Hey Queen,
Read this when you’re feeling bogged down by life’s obligations.
“It’s not worth telling her that I don’t value our friendship the same way she does. I’ll just spend 20 minutes on the phone with her, it’s just easier.”
I watched my friend’s face deflate as she made this statement. It was painfully obvious that this is not something she wanted to do. Feeling protective of her precious time and energy, I couldn’t help myself. I blurted out…
“Or you just DON’T call her. Life is too short to do shit you don’t want to do. WHY do we feel so obligated to do things just because it’s the ‘right’ or ‘polite’ thing to do? Her feelings aren’t your responsibility and you have no obligation to spend time on a relationship you do not want to invest in, nor are you obligated to explain yourself.”
She smiled and asked me to write a blog about this. So here I am.
I think we’ve all had this train of thought – you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, so you just do the thing you don’t feel like doing to appease the situation or other person.
I’m not about to tell you to lose all regard for other’s feelings or that the best option in these situations is to say, “No thanks, I don’t value this relationship the same way you do. Have a nice life.”
Ouch.
I’m just here to encourage you to play in the gray area between two extremes:
Consistently doing things you don’t want to do out of pure obligation
and
Selfishly and irresponsibly only ever doing what you feel like doing.
There is a middle ground, a both/and way to approach this topic, and it starts with the recognition that human life is fleeting. We never know how long it’s going to last, and in today’s world it’s already far too easy to get caught up in all the things that won’t matter in the end. (A nail appointment gone wrong or your husband somehow messing up frozen pizza.)
I’ve received plenty of pushback on this perspective before, but I will forever stand by the belief that a huge part of our purpose in life is to simply enjoy it.
Think about it – if you believe in creation, the idea is that there is an almighty, perfectly whole Creator (God). God did not need to create the universe. He did not need humans to complete a system or feel fulfilled. He created us out of love and a desire to share his goodness and glory.
Put plainly, I believe this means that we were created with the intention of enjoyment – for God to enjoy the presence of creation, and for us to enjoy human life and the world. Why else would we exist? Our existence is for real not necessary.
From a less spiritual perspective, just look at how many things on earth are created solely for the sake of enjoyment. The entertainment industry is a perfect example – look at all the money, time, effort and resources that go into professional sports, movie production and the music industry.
All of which is purely just for funsies, and nobody bats an eye. We all partake without question because enjoyment is how we are made to operate. It’s in our nature.
Enjoyment is a highly purposeful part of being human and it’s time we stop dismissing it and lean in. I believe the world would be a better place if more people stopped doing shit they hate doing, and chose to do more of what they enjoy. (And please note: momentary pleasure is much different from genuine enjoyment. A topic for another time.)
Here’s where it gets nuanced:
We will always have to do some things we don’t want to do – get blood drawn, go to the DMV (my word this is the worst one to me), pay stupid bills, etc. There are non-negotiables built into life that are not fun, however, most of the time they serve a greater purpose.
You get blood drawn because it’s part of caring for your health, which you value. You go to the DMV so you can drive a car, which you value. You pay bills so you can continue living in your home, which you value. All of these small unpleasant tasks are conscious choices that ultimately benefit you. So in a way, getting blood drawn is something you want to do.
These built-in unpleasant tasks will always exist, which means it is totally reasonable and valid to eliminate as many unnecessary ones as possible. This may come at the cost of someone else’s feelings from time to time and that is totally okay.
You may not agree with what I’m saying, and you may not need this permission. But just in case you do, I will gladly be the voice reminding you that it is GOOD to…
Free yourself from the obligation to go on every coffee date just because they asked.
Free yourself from the obligation to clean your own bathrooms – outsource it. Not in the budget? I bet you can make it fit.
Free yourself from the obligation to go to the dentist at every single six month mark. A year is fine. (Who the heck made those rules?)
Free yourself from the obligation to over explain yourself, reply to every text, complete every single task on your list, and leave a tip every time it’s prompted (even from someone who lived off tips for years, I think we can all agree this is getting out of hand.)
If there is not a direct correlation between something you really don’t want to do and a result that brings true value to your life – let it go. What’s the worst that can happen?
Someone thinks you’re rude? Great, LET THEM. (Thank you, Mel Robbins!)
Your house is a little dirtier this week? Great, who the heck cares.
A project takes longer than planned to complete? Great, look up. The sky isn’t falling.
It’s all just not that serious. But you know what is a serious matter? You reaching the end of your life and being pleased with the way you spent it.
And I bet 80-year-old you doesn’t give a rats ass about that phone call with Sarah you took out of obligation. I bet she would say skip it and do something that brings you joy instead.
Thanks for hanging, now go enjoy your miraculous life.
Xo – Kari