Hey Queen,
Come here when you miss feeling alive and joyful with the person you love.
“My partner isn’t very fun.”
I’m not quoting anyone here, but I’d be lying if I said this thought hasn’t crossed my mind before, and I have a strong suspicion that I’m not the only one.
Alex and I attended a wedding recently. I had only briefly met the groom, a friend of Alex’s, once. I didn’t know a single person there, so I really didn’t feel like going. I was already “people-d” out by Saturday and craving a curled up night on the couch in my new robe, binging season three of Ginny & Georgia. (Have you seen it? Absolutely epic.)
I knew I would hurt Alex’s feelings if I complained and dragged my feet, so I recalled all the cool things I know about having fun to cultivate excitement instead:
- Talking with strangers lowers stress levels and pulls us into the present moment
- Dressing up makes me feel alive and confident
- Dancing is a fulfilling, recharging way to connect with others and self
- Witnessing and celebrating love reminds us what life is all about
- Eating free food rocks, always.
These reminders gave me plenty to look forward to, so I made myself a coffee and took my time painting my face sparkly pink and blue eye shadow and a bold red lip that matched the flowers on my dress. (Sound like too much? Never.)
The ceremony was quick and we spent the evening chatting with other couples over cheese cubes and cocktails. After dinner we took a private walk around the venue to debrief the night, and one of Alex’s friends flagged us down to say goodbye. In his parting, he mentioned that although it was clearly time to dance, no one was really dancing. My ears perked up like a dog who had just heard the word ball.
I grabbed Alex’s hand and told him it was time to get the party started, because, fun fact about me – being the first one on the dance floor is one of my favorite things. Being the center of attention is hit or miss, but in this setting, I don’t mind at all.
Now I’m going to go through the series of moments that happened next in full transparency, because it’s normal for there to be friction before, during and after the fun.
As I shimmied into the room, I started to pull Alex onto the dance floor, but he firmly pulled back. He insisted on having cake first, and after a few moments of arguing and pulling, I rolled my eyes and agreed.
When we finished dessert, there was one couple on the dance floor. I marched straight to the DJ and told him, “I need the danciest song you have – we’re gonna get this party started.” Instantly, I knew by the look on his face that I’d offended his song selection skills. I felt a little bad, but honestly, he needed the feedback.
I (literally) pulled Alex onto the dance floor as everyone else in the room stayed seated, engaged in conversation or dessert. It was clear that he felt awkward, so I kept reminding him that no one was watching, and just to have fun.
Each time I dismissed his discomfort he pulled further away from me.
He lasted a couple songs and as soon as I turned around to see a couple new people on the dance floor, he escaped and disappeared out of the room.
I continued dancing by myself for several songs amongst a small group of people. I was singing along with some of my cringiest moves, having a grand time. The concern that people were thinking “who’s that drunk white girl dancing like a lunatic?” crossed my mind several times, but I swatted it away quickly. Although I wasn’t drunk, I am not skilled or shy when it comes to dancing, so I usually just look pretty drunk. I’ve made peace with that.
More and more people, mostly women, made their way to the dance floor. I watched each of their faces primly conceal a mirage of self consciousness, joy and desire. I could feel in the air between us – they wanted so badly to let loose and fall into the joyous freedom of fun without caring about what it looks like. But their mind told them, No, play it safe. Enjoy yourself, but not too much. Don’t embarrass yourself. Some allowed themselves the indulgence of letting loose, and others kept it close to the chest, avoiding eye contact and staying neatly tucked into their bubble of personal space.
A circle formed and the empty space in the middle forced everyone to watch each other while also trying not to watch each other. Tension began to rise, so I pulled one of the women who looked like she was holding back into the middle and we danced together for a brief moment. She blushed as excitement arose within the group. A few minutes later I did it again, but no one repeated the pattern. I started to feel a little awkward and irritated, so I stopped.
A few songs later, after more men finally joined their wives on the dance floor, Alex reappeared. I pinched his butt and said “You should dance with your friend! (the groom)” With frustration, he sighed, pulled away from me again and told me I was being “too aggressive.”
I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, loosen UP, tightass. Then I actually told him to loosen up.
I let the annoyance roll off in the moment and continued admiring this flock of strangers vibrantly come to life as they moved their hips and sang along to every throwback. It brought me tremendous joy that appeared on my face in the form of an ear-to-ear grin.
I soaked it in and thought, This is what we’re made for. This is the whole point. Despite my husbands scrooge attitude, this joyful scene felt like home.
My joy buzz began to fade once we got in the car to go home, and I soon realized how severely annoyed I was by Alex’s unwillingness to dance with me. I mean, come on. This is an obvious one – I’m The Fun Coach. If you’re married to a fun coach, you’re going to have to loosen up, dance and have some fun. It’s just part of the deal.
I was quiet until I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I snapped hurtful words about how he needs to be more willing to dance with me and have fun, and after he promptly left the room to go to bed (no goodnight, this time), I proceeded to numb my frustration by watching Ginny and Georgia til 3am.
The next morning we talked about the situation over coffee and Alex shared a childhood memory about a festive dance that formed a haunting fear he still carried with him. My stomach sank as I realized that by pushing him to dance, giving him attitude and telling him he wasn’t fun enough, I was being the exact opposite of what he needed.
I’m his wife, the one person who’s supposed to make him feel safe and unconditionally loved, and instead I made assumptions, dismissed him and straight up told him he wasn’t enough. Wtf? BIG fail on my part. I started thinking about all the things that make me feel severely uncomfortable and insecure, like being asked to make jokes or sing in front of others, and felt horrible for being so insensitive.
I believe it’s extremely important to have fun and experience joy with the people you love because it makes life worth living and builds very strong, lasting bonds. However, it’s also important to remember that having fun looks different for everyone, and we all carry different stories, perspectives and preferences on the matter.
If we want to have real fun together, getting on the same page first is crucial. If I would have made the simple effort of asking Alex why dancing in front of other is so hard for him, or what would have made the night fun for him, this would have been a totally different, more loving, yet still fun, story. It’s not that he’s not fun enough, because we’re all designed with an innately fun nature, we all just carry baggage and prefer different flavors of fun.
One of the easiest ways to get on the same page about fun (or anything, really) is to share how you each define fun. What does fun mean to you, and how do you most like to have it? There are no wrong answers, so even if something sounds extremely un-fun to you, don’t invalidate it. Approach it with curiosity so you can understand what it is beneath the surface that your partner enjoys. This way, you can re-create that element of the experience inside activities you both enjoy.
For example, if what I enjoy about hiking is the unplugged time in nature, and my partner enjoys eating and exploring new places, we can combine the two by having an unplugged picnic at the park we’ve never been to before. Voila.
Another great place to start is by understanding both of your Play Types. Most people don’t know this, but there are actually eight different “Play Personality Types,” which is relevant because playing is how humans have fun and there are very specific ways we like to do it:
The Joker: Someone who loves humor, silliness, pranks and comedic performances
The Kinesthete: Someone who loves movement and physical activities
The Explorer: Someone who loves discovering and trying new things, learning, and traveling
The Competitor: Someone who loves friendly competition, games, challenges, and winning
The Director: Someone who loves planning, leading, and organizing events and experiences
The Collector: Someone who loves collecting items, memorabilia, and knowledge
The Artist/Creator: Someone who loves making things and being creative
The Storyteller: Someone who loves bringing stories to life through writing, acting, etc.
Try to identify a Play Type that you both relate to. For example, I already know Alex and I share “The Explorer” Play Type, so traveling is our go-to way to bond through fun. Dancing… still working on it. 😉
Whatever you discover, I hope you courageously pursue it individually and with the people you love most, because this is what we’re here for. Life is a miracle and it’s meant to be enjoyed, so enjoy, my friend.
I hope this story and these tools shined a light on something meaningful for you, and if it did I would love to hear about it.
Feel free to reach out at funsquad@karithefuncoach.com.
Until next time, xoxo – Kari